Saturday, February 14, 2009
And this is how I know I'm alive
On my commute to work, there is a stretch of highway where there is no traffic. Hutchinson Parkway, after the Cross County Expressway exit. This is where I really get to open up my Nissan Sentra. From a standstill, I take it up to 85 miles per hour on the hilly, winding, thrill inducing two lane road. The 1.6 liters of engine displacement forces the car to heave forward as the vibrations from my broken muffler causes soccer moms, with whom I share the asphalt, thighs to quiver. I throw the car through the corners, daring it to flip or run into the median or slide into a deer on the side the road. There is about 3 and a half miles before I hit traffic. My car flies through the bends and bumps for about two minutes before I have to throw down the hammer on the brake pedal, much to the chagrin of my ears as the car squeals to a stop.
Every morning, for two minutes, I can tell that I'm awake.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Every dog has his day
I want to take this opportunity to congratulate Stump, the 10 year old Sussex spaniel for winning the Westminster Dog Show on Tuesday in New York.
He had to fight adversity to get here. Stump actually left the show ring in 2004 and nearly died from a mysterious medical ailment, but vets at Texas A&M saved him. After the Westminster, Stump said "I must not have been done with my work on this planet... woof."
Stump, who would be 70 in human years, enjoys sleeping, eating, and smelling his own butt.
He had to fight adversity to get here. Stump actually left the show ring in 2004 and nearly died from a mysterious medical ailment, but vets at Texas A&M saved him. After the Westminster, Stump said "I must not have been done with my work on this planet... woof."
Stump, who would be 70 in human years, enjoys sleeping, eating, and smelling his own butt.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
A series of questions that I would ask anybody that I thought I might be in love with
Here is an excerpt:
Question 4. You are reading a book in the loo, on the toilet. It isn't a classic, or a particularly popular book, but you enjoy reading it. You are done pooping and really have to get going, except there is no toilet paper left. You have the option of tearing out the next page of the book, which you haven't yet read, and using it as toilet paper. You are not allowed to read the next page before you use it, nor are you ever allowed to read it in the future if you take this option. If you want to read the next page, you have to go about for the rest of the day without ever having used toilet paper. Nobody will know, but you will be mildly uncomfortable and very paranoid for the rest of the day. Do you wipe?
Question 10. Scientists and behavioral psychologists have come up with a way to make a monkey butler. You have the option of getting a monkey that will do everything that you never want to do. It will clean, buy groceries, drive you around and throw poo at people you don't like amongst other things. The monkey never dies, so you will never have to lift a finger again. Unfortunately, a side effect of having the monkey is that you will forever begin conversations with very uncomfortable and nonsensical questions. "How were your bowel movements today, Boss?" "This is our first date, do you mind if I bite your ear off?" Do you take the monkey?
Question 23. An ailment has been inflicted across America, and you have to choose one of the following options. Option 1: You sing "Come on Eileen" in its entirety everytime you orgasm. Option 2: You orgasm every time you hear the word "Waffles." Which ailment do you choose?
I am taking answers now, in the comments and at bottom.danger.locker@gmail.com
Hearts,
Vanish
Monday, February 02, 2009
Citigroup was rooting for the Jets this weekend
That title was so witty that I would have felt bad about not using it. (If you don't get it, read up on current events dummy). It is also funny because (spoiler alert) I am a Jets fan and my life is shambles because of it.
Today I went to Albany on a "business trip." Actually, if I were a super hero, they would call me "Intern! Ruler of the free world and glorified delivery man." After driving to Albany in the super masculine baby blue tiny coupe (I didn't get in at first because I was waiting for them to let the clowns out) that was the only car left at the rental place, I dropped into an awesome book store for a second.
I saw the book store from across the street and thought that it would be a waste if I didn't explore briefly. Before I even walked in, the familiar smell of aging paper backs hit me. Once I stepped in, I didnt smell paper back, but it was the smell of "crazy kind old man."
Lo and behold there was a crazy kind old man there to give me a sweet deal on a second edition Updike (jawesome) and some other books. After I let him keep the change (5 bucks) he was really grateful and gave me his crazy kind old man note pad. I am afraid to use the notepad because it looks like it was from 1992 and by "he gave it to me" I mean that "I may have accidentally stole it."
Cheers,
Vanish
PS I will try to post pictures of the stuff I got.
Today I went to Albany on a "business trip." Actually, if I were a super hero, they would call me "Intern! Ruler of the free world and glorified delivery man." After driving to Albany in the super masculine baby blue tiny coupe (I didn't get in at first because I was waiting for them to let the clowns out) that was the only car left at the rental place, I dropped into an awesome book store for a second.
I saw the book store from across the street and thought that it would be a waste if I didn't explore briefly. Before I even walked in, the familiar smell of aging paper backs hit me. Once I stepped in, I didnt smell paper back, but it was the smell of "crazy kind old man."
Lo and behold there was a crazy kind old man there to give me a sweet deal on a second edition Updike (jawesome) and some other books. After I let him keep the change (5 bucks) he was really grateful and gave me his crazy kind old man note pad. I am afraid to use the notepad because it looks like it was from 1992 and by "he gave it to me" I mean that "I may have accidentally stole it."
Cheers,
Vanish
PS I will try to post pictures of the stuff I got.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]